I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
