i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
