Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
