I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
