If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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