I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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