Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
