i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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