I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
