You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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