I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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