It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
