He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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