Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
