I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
