i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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