Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
