I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
