You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
