Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
