if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
