I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
