We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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