I will die if light touches me.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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