You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
