There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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