Your face is a jimmy john
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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