Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
