i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
