I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
