Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
