i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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