My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
