I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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