it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
being pregnant is like rehab
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
