They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
