You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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