Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
