I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
