I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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