it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
