i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
