i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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