I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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