the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
