just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
