True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
