I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
