he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
