Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
