I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
